This list will be updated as more dad jokes are discovered.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.
A woman came into ED because she tripped over a box of Kleenex and fell. The doctor reassured her that it's only tissue damage.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.
Cop: "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"
Did you hear about our camping trip? It was in-tents.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie.
Did you hear about the guy who was afraid of hurdles? He got over it.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? Don't worry, he woke up.
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What's he going to change next - his hair? His clothes? His face?
Ever since we started quarantining... I've only been telling inside jokes.
Geology rocks... but geography is where it's at.
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.
How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.
How do you get Pikachu on a bus? You Pokémon.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
How do you organize a space party? You just planet.
How does a mathematician plough fields? With a pro-tractor.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
How does the man on the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes - the others were 7's and 8's.
I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you!"
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated... but I stand corrected.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
I could tell a joke about pizza... but it’s a little cheesy.
I don't get why Marvel doesn't use the Hulk to advertise more. He's basically one big Banner.
I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.
I had to return the vacuum cleaner... it sucked.
I have a joke about a broken clock... but it's not the right time.
I have a joke about chemistry... but I don't think it'll get a reaction.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I hate my job. All I do is crush cans all day. It's soda pressing.
I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
I just found out I'm colorblind. The news came out of the purple!
I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height... they didn't like my critter sizing.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
I sued the airport for losing my luggage... but I lost my case.
I told my computer I needed a break. It told me to CTRL+ALT+DEL (reboot).
I told my friend 10 jokes to make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. Turns out, her response was just a warm apology.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough. I kneaded a change.
I used to be addicted to soap... I'm clean now.
I used to hate facial hair... but then it grew on me.
I used to play the piano by ear... but now I use my hands and fingers.
I used to run a dating service for chickens… but I was struggling to make hens meet.
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars... until I learned they wouldn't support windows.
I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting." So we stopped playing chess.
I would tell you a joke about construction. But I’m still working on it.
I'd tell you another chemistry joke... but unfortunately all the good ones argon.
I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need "Help".
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
I'm reading a book about mazes. I got lost in it.
I'm reading a book about sandpaper... it's a work of friction.
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
I'm reading a book on DIY house construction... by Bill Jerome Holmes.
I'm trying to organize a hide-and-seek competition. But it's hard to find good players.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I'll kill him with my bear hands.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots... they’d be called cellfies.
If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.
In 2017, I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.
Mountains aren't just funny... they're hill areas.
My doctor told me I'm going deaf... the news was hard to hear.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. I told him: "I never knew my real ladder either."
My hotel tried to charge me $10 extra for air conditioning. That wasn't cool.
My landlord told me that we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
Not to brag, but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said "parking fine."
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.
This year's Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it's as big as the last two put together.
Time flies like an arrow... and fruit flies like a banana.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
To the guy who invented zero... thanks for nothing.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling. I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
What did one wall say to the other wall? "I'll meet you at the corner."
What did the biologist wear to impress their date? Designer genes.
What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? "Supplies!"
What did the police officer say to his belly-button? You're under a vest.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.
What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
What do you call a dinosaur that knows a lot of words? A Thesaurus.
What do you call a factory that makes good products? A satisfactory.
What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie? So-fish-ticated.
What do you call a fish wearing a crown? A kingfish.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.
What do you call a sheep on a trampoline? A woolly jumper.
What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.
What do you call someone allergic to galaxies? Galactose intolerant.
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
What does a spy do when they're cold? They go undercover.
What happened when the world's tongue-twister champion got arrested? They gave him a tough sentence.
What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.
What jewellery do you wear when you have no neck? A neckless.
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.
What's a lawyer's favourite drink? Subpoena colada.
What's a physicist's favourite snack? Fission chips.
What's an astronaut's favourite part of the computer? The Space Bar.
What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1.
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a big plus.
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
What's the most laid-back element? Bro-mine.
What's the secret to always staying down to Earth? Gravity.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.
Where does bad light end up? In prism.
Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Why are meteors so clean? They're always in a shower.
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They're stuffed.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because they're always spotted.
Why can't you trust stairs? Because they’re always up to something.
Why couldn't the beaver get back home? They couldn't find the dam door.
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.
Why did the chemistry teacher go to the beach? To test the waters.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumbly.
Why did the doctor carry a red pen? In case they needed to draw blood.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.
Why do astronauts use Linux? Because they can't open windows in space.
Why do trees have so many friends? They like to branch out.
Why does everyone wear a tank top in the US? They have the right to bare arms.
Why don't crabs donate to charity? Because they're shellfish.
Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts... and it's hard to pick a bone with someone who lacks a funny bone.
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
Why is the ocean so salty? Because land never waves back.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
Why was the mushroom popular? He's a fun guy.
Why were scientists disappointed by the reception of their new weapon test? It bombed.
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